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  • Writer's pictureStacy Hixon, MA, Licensed Professional Counselor

I Love Me!

Unconditional Self-Love



For so many reasons, a large number of us struggle with loving ourselves. We so willingly pour our love into others, but rarely do we pour that love into ourselves. We often don’t realize that we are trying to pour from an empty cup. If we don’t love ourselves first and give to ourselves, the love we need, how can we then pour anything into others? We are often left depleted, exhausted, and empty. We will then often try to fill our cup with unhealthy things, such as unhealthy relationships, over giving, unhealthy foods, drinking alcohol, eating too much, meaningless sex, pornography, unhealthy religion, unhealthy politics, not setting boundaries... you get the picture.


Why don’t we love ourselves?


Why don’t we love ourselves first, or sometimes ever? We often judge ourselves based on standards that aren’t realistic, determined by ideology and cultures that do not see us as uniquely individual humans, but rather as a piece of society. We’re expected to conform to the “norms” determined by those who don’t appreciate unique individuality. Encouraging the idea that we shouldn’t love ourselves as we are, that we need to conform to be worthy enough to receive love, yet never really knowing what worthy looks like, not realizing we have value in who we are as ourselves.


We are individually unique in every way. I love the quote, “The same Creator that made the mountains and oceans thought the world needs one of me” - Unknown Author. To me, that says it all. There is only one of me. Just one. So, why am I so inept at loving myself?!


What does self-love mean?


What does it mean to love ourselves anyway? What would that look like? To me, it looks like not judging myself because I did something or said something the world deemed unacceptable. Loving myself would look like learning from my own difficult experiences, growing as an individual, and continually evolving to be the best version of myself. It means giving myself grace and tolerance for things I haven’t learned yet, or haven’t quite mastered, and for the mistakes I’ve made.


We judge ourselves based on unwritten and unknown expectations, which may be derived from our families of origin, our friends, and our culture. We also judge ourselves based on comparison. We compare ourselves to others who have completely individually unique sets of DNA and life experiences. When I think about it, that’s quite unfair!


Some “known” expectations bias our thinking about ourselves. We judge ourselves about our looks, body, social interactions, behavior, and experiences, etc. When will we stop this cycle of self-abuse and instead learn, teach, and inspire others that self-love is the only way to be healthy?



Why don’t I like my outward appearance?


One of the most common things we tend to judge ourselves about is our looks. We compare our looks to people who have a completely different DNA makeup. That’s truly unfair! We also base our judgement about our looks on societal expectations of beauty, which are so skewed and unhealthy. Think about this, comparing myself to myself! What is my idea of my own personal beauty?


Another aspect of looks is our body. Our height, weight, bone structure, skin color, eye color, hair color, texture, and features. Who decided I’m too short, too tall, too big, too little, too this or too that? People who don’t know me decided “how” I should look. People who don’t love themselves enough to allow and encourage others to love themselves have decided my perceptions for me. People who are so uncomfortable with appreciating their individuality that they encourage others to conform and become “alike,” so that we don’t feel different are the ones I allow to influence me.. I say embrace different!


Consider that our bodies are the result of the mix of generations of varying DNA. None of us have the exact same DNA, so why would we want to look like each other? Our bodies provide movement and function, thinking, communicating, eating, drinking, exercise, work, pleasure, and fun. Without our bodies we wouldn’t exist, so why do we not love our bodies like they deserve? Because cultural messages dictate that I’m not enough. But why? Why can’t I be enough just the way I am? Why can’t I be enough because of the way I am? Guess what - you can!


I love that we have the options to color our hair or not, wear makeup, or not, choose our own clothing styles, get a tattoo or not, get pierced or not. I love that I can wear big hair or flat hair, shoes with heels or flat shoes. I love that I get to choose the outward appearance that best resembles who I am inside. The reflection of my personal unique individuality.


Am I socially awkward?


Humans want to be accepted by others. We want to feel approved of, liked, cared for, and loved. We want to feel that we matter to others. We especially want those things from our families, our friends, and our peers. The problem is because society is cruel with judgement, we often ostracized those who are uniquely individual. We often look down on those who look or act differently than us. While some people do embrace and appreciate differences, many do not and that’s why we learn to believe that there’s something wrong with us, feel rejected, which in turn leads to not loving ourselves.


We’re often judged by those we want most to accept us. We are judged by what we wear, how we talk, the choices we make. We often hear unspoken messages of we’re not good enough, we’ll never measure up, and that we won’t be accepted. That is hurtful and sends messages that we’re not worthy of their acceptance, so we believe we shouldn’t love ourselves.



How to Love Yourself Unconditionally!


Self-Acceptance


What is self-acceptance? Self-acceptance is looking at yourself from a neutral perspective and accepting all of the various facets of your personality and looks. It’s refra


ming the things you’ve been told were wrong with you in a light that helps you realize that you are okay just the way you are. So, maybe you’re a little stubborn, or too sweet. Maybe you’re very thoughtful or not thoughtful at all. Maybe you’re tall, or heavy, have red hair, or brown eyes, there is nothing wrong with any of that. Traits aren’t right or wrong, they just are. When we accept ourselves as we are, we can embrace the things that make us special and unique.


Self-Love


What does self-love look like? Self-love looks like loving yourself - flaws and all. It looks like loving your life experience and the ways it has allowed you to grow. I

t looks like not having regrets, but looking at those times as growing experiences. Loving yourself looks like accepting all the things you like about yourself and even the things you don’t like, but can’t change. It’s self acceptance, giving yourself grace, self-care, eating healthy, exercising, managing stress, and taking care of your physical, emotional, and spiritual health. You deserve to love you.


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